in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
it's like heaven, but drunker
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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