we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
