I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
