New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You're like the curious george of whores
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
