she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
