I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
