She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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