I faked an abortion last night.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
