I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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