I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have post one night stand depression
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
