soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
