2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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