i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
