what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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