My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
