I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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