The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
