I'm really into asian looking animals
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
accomplished twins. life is a go
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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