I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
