this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
