Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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