She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
