I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
