My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
