Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
