You're my little dorito
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
