You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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