I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
