do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
