theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
