You don't have asthma, your pregnant
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
