Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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