so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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