C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Randomize
