the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
