Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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