my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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