fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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