seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
