i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
