Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
