im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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