Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Randomize
