I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
