census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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