Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Swine flu. Run for my life!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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