I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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