i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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