At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
