i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
