she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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