just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i came on her dog
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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