i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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